The Ecphorizer

Couple Sought for Holiday Violations
Neal Wilgus

Issue 09 (April 2007)

Beginning a reprint of The Leakoids series...

Happy, HD (LEAK) - Grinch County authorities issued an arrest warrant today for John and Marsha Enigman of 2323 Mockingbird Swamp, charging the missing couple with violations of the Mandatory Celebrations Act of 1984. The Enigmans are alleged to have deliberately failed to observe the Xmas holiday, to

...Enigman is a Conscientious Objector with a record of failure to observe Mother's Day...

have refused to purchase and display an Xmas tree, and to have neglected to send Xmas cards and presents, as required by Reg. X-Mas/U-Mst. The couple is also charged with 17 counts of New Year's Eve neglect and with working illegally on New Year's Day.

"John Enigman, a former employee of United Smezmetics, has a record as long as your arm," said Sheriff W.W. ("Red") Herring at a town meeting, "and his wife has a short arm of her own, for that matter. Rumor has it that they have failed to observe their own birthdays from the very beginning of their holy matriomonium and that they have never yet exchanged anniversary gifts! This is despicable stuff and shouldn't even be exposed to the public in the first instance except as a moral example to us of all the worst we can expect to come."

The Enigmans, who were last seen late Friday as they left for a long weekend "for no special reason," are believed to have been active in the Holiday Liberation Front for several years, and both were fired from United Smezmetics recently for refusing to attend an Office Party. John Enigman is a Conscientious Objector with a record of failure to observe Mother's Day, Thanksgiving and the Fourth of July, who first ran into trouble with the law in high school his highly publicized refusal to part his hair properly touching off a riot that resulted in 27 policemen being injured. Marsha Enigman was first arrested five years ago for Grass Walking and has been charged with color code violations repeatedly.

"These things grow on people," explained Dr. B.F. Lemming, a Doctor of Normalcy at Smezmological Institute and an expert on Nonconformal Behavior. "They probably started off early by neglecting to say 'Please' and 'Thanks,' and the bad habit grew into - well, something pretty hideous, I think we all think. Delusions such as the Enigmans suffer from sometimes even take political form, as when the couple last year refused to Register to Vote on the grounds that it was pointless since everybody voted the same way anyway - a bizarre, almost alien, way of viewing existence, as we all agree."

Police are mystified by one aspect of the case - a postcard mailed to friends of the Enigmans at United Smezmatics, with a strange message reading "Having a wonderful time. Happy Bloviation Day!" Experts are analyzing the cryptic message for clues as to The couple's whereabouts but have reported no leads so far. "What really puzzles us," Sheriff Herring said, "is why they would send a card to someone when there's no legally mandated reason to do so!"

The search for the Enigmans continues. 

Neal's been a frequent contributor to the original print version of the Ecphorizer and now he has graciously offered to let us reprint some of his original poems and stories.  These three stories of "newsalizing the nation" first appeared in The Leakoids: Newsalizing the Nation, © 2006 Neal Wilgus, published by Juxtopedia Press in Corrales, New Mexico. For information regarding "newsalizing," please click here.

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