The Ecphorizer

When I was a young man and used to think funny
All the things that a Doctor would do to make money,
My mother would counsel: "Oh, son, help your self!
For only a Doctor has beaucoups de Pelf !"
Heigh ho, for The Fee, heigh ho!
Heigh ho, for the Fee, heigh ho!

I never ccmplained of my teachers' palaver
And I hewed to my notes, and my books, and cadaver.
I always remembered my mother's advice
And glommed all the Money (though Gold might suffice!)
Heigh ho!
Heigh ho!
Heigh ho, for The Fee!

A pneumonic once said, "Save my life and I'll pay"
So I said, "Cough it up by the end of the day!"
I "never take barter and never give credit,"
And I owe all my wealth to the Doctor who said it.
The Fee!
Heigh ho!
Heigh ho!

My first "hot" Appendix - I punctured the bowel,
But I patched up my error and sewed in a towel!
The patient complained that he kept feeling ill,
But he REALLY turned green when I gave him The Bill!
Heigh ho for The Fee!
Heigh ho!
Heigh ho for The Fee!

I set up a practice as Diagnostician
And soon had a partner, the local Mortician!
I told folks they'd live! (If they paid me My Fee!)
And then he "let then down" if they didn't agree.
Heigh ho!
Heigh ho!
Heigh ho for The Fee!

I was young, I was smart, I was raking in dough;
They were old, they were sick, it was their "time to go!"
But as I got older, I mended my ways
For "a patient who 'stays' is a patient who 'pays'!"   
Heigh ho for The Fee!
Heigh no!

When I went to Saint Peter, he bolted the gate,
But another Quack entered "The Portals of Fate!"
"Pete, as a Doctor, I bate this omission!"
He answered: "God thinks that just HE'S a Physician!"
Heigh ho for The Feel
Heigh ho!
Heigh ho for The Fee!

Now, as I wield my pitchfork in nethermost Hades
I think of my patients, the men and old ladies
Whose lives I have ruined, whose fortunes and health
As I went for The Wealth, for The Wealth, for the Wealth!
Heigh ho for The fee!
Heigh ho! Heigh ho!
Heigh ho for The Fee!
Heigh! HO!