The Ecphorizer

Abaso Apples (A Doctor's Lament)
'Duardo de la Mancha

Issue #12 (August 1982)

When I was a young man and used to think funny
All the things that a Doctor would do to make money,
My mother would counsel: "Oh, son, help your self!
For only a Doctor has beaucoups de Pelf !"
Heigh ho, for The Fee, heigh ho!
Heigh ho, for the Fee, heigh ho!

I never ccmplained of my teachers' palaver
And I hewed to my notes, and my books, and cadaver.
I always remembered my mother's advice
And glommed all the Money (though Gold might suffice!)
Heigh ho!
Heigh ho!
Heigh ho, for The Fee!

A pneumonic once said, "Save my life and I'll pay"
So I said, "Cough it up by the end of the day!"
I "never take barter and never give credit,"
And I owe all my wealth to the Doctor who said it.
The Fee!
Heigh ho!
Heigh ho!

My first "hot" Appendix - I punctured the bowel,
But I patched up my error and sewed in a towel!
The patient complained that he kept feeling ill,
But he REALLY turned green when I gave him The Bill!
Heigh ho for The Fee!
Heigh ho!
Heigh ho for The Fee!

I set up a practice as Diagnostician
And soon had a partner, the local Mortician!
I told folks they'd live! (If they paid me My Fee!)
And then he "let then down" if they didn't agree.
Heigh ho!
Heigh ho!
Heigh ho for The Fee!

I was young, I was smart, I was raking in dough;
They were old, they were sick, it was their "time to go!"
But as I got older, I mended my ways
For "a patient who 'stays' is a patient who 'pays'!"   
Heigh ho for The Fee!
Heigh no!

When I went to Saint Peter, he bolted the gate,
But another Quack entered "The Portals of Fate!"
"Pete, as a Doctor, I bate this omission!"
He answered: "God thinks that just HE'S a Physician!"
Heigh ho for The Feel
Heigh ho!
Heigh ho for The Fee!

Now, as I wield my pitchfork in nethermost Hades
I think of my patients, the men and old ladies
Whose lives I have ruined, whose fortunes and health
As I went for The Wealth, for The Wealth, for the Wealth!
Heigh ho for The fee!
Heigh ho! Heigh ho!
Heigh ho for The Fee!
Heigh! HO! 

'Duardo de la Mancha lives in Guatemala.  His contribution was forwarded to us by Ed Van Vleck, who points out that their names mean about the same in Spanish/Dutch:  "Ed from a Wide Spot In The Road."

More Articles by 'Duardo de la Mancha

Contributor Profile

'Duardo de la Mancha