Secropolis, MD (LEAK) - A new federal policy designed to curb the illegal disclosure of public information was announced today by the Office of Data Utilization and Management (ODUM). The policy itself is highly classified but an official ODUM leak revealed that all government employees will be assigned a Leak Quotient (LQ) and that anyone who exceeds his quota will be given retirement demerits, while those who remain within their limits will be given bonuses and possible early retirement. The ODUM Fringe Benefit Committee voted overwhelmingly to keep the LQ system classified Toppest Secret.
The new policy was made possible, according to ODUM Security Chief Jack Sniff, because of the recently instituted Mandatory Employee Analysis for Lying (MEAL) system which is now a requirement for all public and most private employment. The MEAL Ordeal, as it's popularly called, consists of chemical analysis of individual finger- and toe-nail clippings and certain other classified tests which can ascertain whether or not a person has told a lie within the last 76 hours (on average). Similar to the People's Sput Swat Test (PSST) used in the Soviet Union, MEAL is required weekly by many employers and daily by those in sensitive positions such as policy makers, security personnel and trash collectors.
Sniff said that ODUM is still negotiating with the Federal Union of Certain Krafts (FUCK) over the LQ ratios and the demerit system. The Union is expected to settle for a compromise package allowing only thirty lies per quarter but slashing the demerits by fifty percent for the first year, twenty-five percent the next three years and like that. ODUM and FUCK have already agreed that politicians, federal judges and union officials will be exempt from the LQ and MEAL systems.
In a related development, LEAK News Service has filed for bankruptcy. Again.
This item is from Neal's volume of short-short "newsalizing the nation" stories: The Leakoids: Newsalizing the Nation, © 2006 Neal Wilgus, published by Juxtopedia Press in Corrales, New Mexico. For information regarding "newsalizing," please click here.
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