We, Alexandra Hatburd Wimp, Sidney Throckmorton Wimp and our offspring, Bruiser and Ophelia Wimp do hereby subscribe to the following:
1. We truly believe in truly believing true beliefs.
2. Godliness is next to cleanliness.
3. The American Way is whatever activities are most popular that cause the largest casualty rate among the most life forms.
4. Adolph Hitler could have been the Anointed Son of God if he had only finished shaving, and filed a Declaration of Intent to Become an American Citizen.
5. The family that hates together stays together.
6. The surest route to insanity is Independent thinking. (Could be.)
7. Freedom is the single most precious condition of existence provided it is kept under strict restraint, and someone else (preferably "a minority") is selected to bleed and die for it.
8. Sex should be spoken of (A) once a quarter by men In mixed company, (B) Always, in Cosmopolitan (C) Once a year by women (D) Never by children (people under thirty) (E) None of the foregoing.
9. Decent people don't "do it." They feign complete abstinence for as long as possible after the discovery of pregnancy, and when denial is no longer feasible, they act out the implication that the condition was Divinely Implemented.
10. It is coarse and unsettling for people to laugh in our presence.
11. God will always provide us with an excuse to keep the money.
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