The Ecphorizer

Aurochs Coprolite
Albert Duro

Issue #22 (June 1983)

Announcing a new scientific lavoratory

[quoteright]The Aurochs Coprolite Institute is the newest and most promising research facility in the country. As recently as a few months ago, ACI was nothing more than a cramped organizing and fund raising office in San Francisco, a large town near Brisbane. Now it occupies a spacious,

... atomic nuclei will be bombarded with various distilled spirits...

modern, warehouse-like building in Brisbane's Crocker Industrial Park.

Although barely settled in, ACI has already begun a number of trendsetting projects on its eclectic, broad-based research agenda. Here is a brief description of some of the more interesting ones:

  • A team of microbiologists and zoologists who subscribe to the "Punctured Equilibrium" theory of evolution is exploring the exciting new hypothesis that certain South American frogs that give birth through the mouth may hold the key to the mechanics of speciation. Their motto: "Ontogeny Regurgitates Phylogeny."
  • The discovery by radio astronomers of large clouds of alcohol in galactic space has not only provided insights into the crapulous nature of the Big Bang, but has opened a new field of high-energy research earthside. Nearing completion at ACI under the supervision of Dr. Wake Finnegan is the world's first particle exhilarator. Although small by cyclotron standards, it is a highly sophisticated instrument in which atomic nuclei will be bombarded with various distilled spirits. The toroidal device, dubbed "the Big tokaMack," will be used to search for intermediate vector bosoms, without which controlled fusion is not considered possible - or, at least, not worthwhile.
  • A group consisting mostly of graduate students is delving into an exotic corner of that branch of mathematics known as topology, or the study of the shapes of Italian mice. The mysterious disappearance of Topo Gigio is a dramatic illustration of the phenomenon in which threedimensional synthetic mice eventually disappear beyond a musine event horizon, while American two-dimensional mice -- like the famous Mickey -- seem to go on forever in their flatland planiverse.
  • The most extraordinary ACI project combines the rigorous methodologies of psychological research with the imaginative implications of Einsteinian theories. A joint team of astrophysicists and psychologists will explore the nature of "quality spacetime," a phenomenon found primarily among binary star systems composed of red giants (or red-faced, as the psychologists would have it). It seems that these stars are so gravitationally involved with themselves and each other that they have little spacetime left for their planets, thereby evoking the compensatory mechanism of "quality" spacetime. Preliminary ACI research on this illusory phenomenon indicates that planets do not suffer from reduced space-time, with or without QS-T. However, those stars that create the impression of QS-T generate such internal pressures that many turn into novae.
  • A concept that promises to revolutionize science is being refined by its inventor, Dr. Bruno von Shick, under the sponsorship of ACI. Dr. von Shick intends to bring the philosophy of science up to date by creating inexpensive, disposable Ockham's razors. Soon, resolving thorny theoretical and protocol questions will be no more difficult than the choosing of a soft drink.
This small sample of bold projects is ample evidence that ACI means to make good its goal of becoming America's leading research institute. Toward that end, it needs qualified, creative people with a history of commitment. Anyone with proper qualifications and an idea for a research project is encouraged to send it to ACI, where the hallowed tradition of Aurochs Coprolite is intensely cultivated. 

Brisbanian Albert Duro writes that after many dedicated years he is shedding his "yogic hobbit image," and has become a disc jockey.

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