The Ecphorizer
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AROO AROO A RUB A DUB DO...TODAY'S THE DAY THEY GIVE BABIES AWAY WITH every half pound a...six a. m. ..I suppose the father'll be along any minute to see me off ...the sot...boozed up to a high gloss but never a hit to offer a chap going to meet his maker ...did he who made the stars make me? ...if so he did a helluva poor job of it ...on me not on the stars ...my fault my fault my most grievous fault ...in a pig's ass...the fault lies with stinking society as I've been most thoroughly instructed by the poor weeping wee social worker Miss Blintz or whatever her name is...if she'd only come into my parlor said the spider to the fly I'd show her the moon over my left shoulder and make a new woman of her taroo taroo...'tis all society's fault not mine says she and that's a fact ...I was only after a more equitable distribution of the world's wealth when that pisshead banker objected ...objected ...he usually objected ta turn ta tee ...and oh the look on his fat face when the slug from me old thirty-eight took him in the brisket ...oo ha ha...he looked like a man being goosed by an icicle and all the little twits started screaming and I grabbed the loot and ran for the door and then had the miserable misfortune to get tangled up with that fat old broad and her fat old poodle and I slid forty feet on my belly and dropped my piece and the money bag and before you could say "Don't shoot or I'll move" they were all on me like the Assyrians come down like a wolf on the...and then to the slammer where the judge said "Hang by the neck" and screw you too you miserable ...that demented lawyer O'Sullivan should be the one to hang ...whoever had such an inept defender ...oh me oh me...hail Mary full of grace blessed art thou among lawyers-but everybody in court had to admit that me and the O'Sullivan put on a helluva show what with weepin' and beggin' mercy and bringin' in that drunken whore to pass for my mother who's been twenty years in her grave and even the bloody judge said we'd have been a star turn in the vaudeville ...mercy mercy sisters of mercy where are you now that I need you?...I wonder what Sister Mary Catherine ...the old battle-axe ...would say to me today? ...probably "good riddance and to Hell with you"...but Sister Mary Matilda now-sweet little Sister Mary Matilda would hold out her arms to me and say 'Robert Robert what have they done to you?" and the tears would gush from her eyes for me and she would come and hold my head against her immaculate bosom and nothing could staunch her weeping for even the least of these ...even the least of ...oh my God I'm glad the sister doesn't know for she would come through hell to me and then the bloody bastards would see me break and weep and piss myself and I'd just as soon not give them the satisfaction ...no...I'd just as soon go to my grave as one who wraps the draperies of his couch about him and lies down to pleasant ...crap ...what did old Bill Bryant know about being jerked into heaven on the end of a rope? ...pleasant dreams my ass...Well here comes the padre at last ...drunk as a pissant...to bless me into hell ...if the inebriated bastard tries to give me any mushmouthed bullshit I'll tell him to go piss up a rope ...ha ha that's a good one ...go piss up a rope ..."Good morning, father. It's a fine day for the Irish, wouldn't you say?"  Mburger Warren Fogard writes and fulminates in the northern reaches of California. He lives in the woods. More Articles by Warren Fogard |
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The cucumber has been glorified In poems, songs and ballads. How, you ask, has this affected me? Well, I'm no longer eating salads. More Articles by Archimedes Pisces |
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