Happy Medium, KS (Leak) ~ The long-awaited cure for cancer was announced today — and the long-dreaded California earthquake has struck. These were two of the dramatic developments at the top of today's news, coming hard on the heels of yesterday's discovery of the anti-aging serum and the
sudden shift in wind patterns which brought the radioactive cloud from [quoteright]Japan's nuclear meltdown over US territory for the first time.
The cancer cure, based on an extract of psychedelic mushrooms, has so far proven 98% effective, is cheap and easy to produce and has already been cleared by the FDA for commercial sale, beginning tomorrow. The disastrous San Andreas earthquake, measuring 15 on the Richter scale, was the worst in recorded history, causing at least a million deaths and inflicting several hundred trillion dollars worth of damage. The cancer cure will be shipped world wide free of charge by the United Nations and the effects of the earthquake are being felt globally as aftershocks and killer tidal waves spread further destruction.
The past week has been a busy one on the medical front, with the cures for AIDS, Alzheimer's disease, schizophrenia and the common cold coming on Monday; the treatment of heart disease, obesity and alcoholism on Tuesday, and the total elimination of genetic defects reported on the Wednesday noon news. At about the same time came reports of the world's worst toxic spill in New York City, the failure of the world's largest rice harvest in China and the final destruction of the ozone layer over the Pacific Ocean (Monday), followed by the extinction of 23 species of plants and animals (Tuesday), and the world's worst acid hurricane ravaging the East Coast (Wednesday). New studies reported to reveal newly developed Intelligence Enhancers and the impending death of the world's oceans and rain forests are believed to be ready for publication by week's end.
Elsewhere in the news, the recent wave of political assassinations is projected to have a stabilizing effect on the world political situation, while breakthroughs in agriculture and transportation are likely to result in one of the most severe and long lasting economic downturns the world has ever seen. Creativity and scientific innovation has reached a fever pitch this month, while crime and terrorism are also setting new records. Prices were mixed on Wall Street and profit-taking has again reached an all time high.
In news from space, the Lunar Colony has finally reached the state of self-sufficiency, at last reaching the point at which it can survive independently for the foreseeable future. World leaders were shocked, however, when Lunar authorities today declared their colony free and independent from Earth in every way and ready to find its own place in the Universe. But that's another story.
LEAK correspondent NEAL WILGUS wishes us to note that last year he won a Mensa limerick contest, the prize for which was a T-shirt saying "Limericks Have Dirty Feet."
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