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The Ecphorizer
Sermon No. P=P+1 (IF P=502 THEN 86)
Ed Rehmus
 

When Cumming asked me if I would ask my grandmother to contribute a new sermon for The Ecphorizer I promised too blithely. "What?" she snorted, pouring herself another al tiempo water & gin (vodka being unfashionable this week, while we decide which government is lying), "Another new editor? You know as well as I that if there's anything worse than an editor it's a new editor!"

...he's a confirmed post-Townerite, which ought to mean something.

"But Cumming is an old editor," I pointed out. "Surely you haven't forgotten that he already discovered you, years ago."

"So did Columbus," said she. "I suppose they're calling this impostor the '2nd Cumming'?"

"No, no," I hastened to correct. "It's the same Cumming, no impostor! Furthermore, he's a confirmed post-Townerite, which ought to mean something."

Then it turned out that if there's anything worse than an old editor, it's magazines with orange covers. What an ingrate! Anyway, she claims she's given up sermonizing till she saves up the strength to learn how to program 200 ON GOTOs. After all, machines are more important than people, aren't they? With the program she has in mind, she won't need to think up any more sermons ever again, because the computer will do it for her. Just type in RUN, and voila: instant literary output of unassailable vigor and brilliance. Best of all, a mere 200 words are more than enough, it seems, for anything you want to say about anything!

This word-list, I thought to myself, is worth getting.

"Give over," I commanded, "before I break every bone and bottle in body and house."

"May all editors be struck with impairment of critical judgment!" she cursed.

"Who'd know the difference?" I reminded her. "Just give me the list."

"And curse all writers, too -- all you ever think of is how to be cruel to old ladies and disturb their golden years based on the dubious license of an even more dubious talent!" But in the end she surrendered the list.

It appears that but two verbs are necessary and the rest are all nouns of one kind or another. The verbs (which must always be in the jussive mood), are "extirpate" and "enshrine." A third verb, "monolithize," is optional and of use only in special cases, such as advertising or hortatory poetry.

For those of you who are dying to try this on your own PC, I submit the list. Obviously, by introducing a randomizing instruction, many interesting articles fit for publication can be self-generated for a long time to come, obviating all need for plagiarism. Because of the requirements of assembly language, the nouns cannot be put in alphanumeric order. The computer follows its own logical associations, so of course the juxtaposition of one word to another in the list makes no sense to you or to me.

Allah

Vomit

Ruination

Annoyance

Playground

Society

Ayatollah

Cocaine

Pride

Cow (sacred)

Innocence

Property

Cow (M. Osmond)

Corruption

Theft

Sheep

Gonorrhea

Smugness

Americana

Mouth

Slap

Pomposity

Medical cutbacks

Bankbook

Reagan(ism)

Gun, machine

Boasting

Truth

Gun, hand

Edo-congratulation

Dye

Goodness

Interest (vested)

Hair

Orange

Interest (self)

Enchilada

County

More-importantly-ism

Phoniness

Wing, right

Football

SSI

Oppression

Baseball

Bankruptcy

God

Basketball

Unemployment

Damnation

Circus

Leisure (village)

Nation

Maximus

Beggers

Prayer

Sport

Capital

Pus

Mutant

Impossibility

Bayonet

Moron

Average (person)

Baby

Mormon

Creativity

Telethon (J. Lewis)

Prick

Death

Scientology

Redneck

Creationism

Rip-off

Power (sissy)

Crap

Profit

Falwellonics

Nancy(ism)

Utah

Armpit

China

Tabernacle

Timeliness

Tupperware

Bomb

Eugenics

Drapes

Halleluajahism

Euthanasia

Stupidity

Life, right to

Youth

Christianity

Slack-jawness

Asia

Salvation

Missile

Machismo

Salivation

Progress

Fraud

Church

Overkill

Homophobia

Tumor

Famine

Education

Family

Fat

Uselessness

Cockroaches

Acid

Office

Burger

Rain

Slavery

Heaven

Effect, greenhouse

Lies

Relatives

Ultr-violet

Anchorperson

Prussic Acid

Conservatism

Actor

Children

Flatulence

Cleanliness

Population

Republicanism

Nothing

Ten

Rectum

Chamber, gas

Billion

Neo-Nixonianism

Non-smoker

Disneyworld

Automobile

Pox

Plant, atomic

Murder

Jogging

Praise

Sitcom

Podiatry

Energy, Solar

Values (suburban)

Fitness

Prevention

Novelist

Health

FDA

Illiteracy

Sick, the

Cancer

Congress

Tired, and the

Research

Page

Meditation

Interference

Sex

Vacuum

Oil

Apathy

Silence

Esthetics

FBI

Futility

Derricks

Camp

Rock

Octopus

Concentration

Music

Cynicism (insufficiency of)

CIA

Radio

Government

Conspiracy

Tonnage

Force, by

Reds (downers)

Disco

Overthrowing

Surveillance

Disc, slipped  

Questions

Exhibitionism

Teenager

Any

Fission

Pimple

 

Fishin'

Ax  

 

 

 



  


About
Ed Rehmus
Poet and tale-teller ED REHMUS, a man with a mind unlike any other on this planet, has contributed a number of evocative pieces to this magazine. His graphics are equally remarkable.

Other articles by Ed Rehmus