The Ecphorizer

Yor Regor's Last Adventure
Earl Meazell

Issue #18 (February 1983)

Many aeons ago, during the age of acronyms, Yor Regor sat in his kiosk preparing for picket duty. Yor carefully disassembled, cleaned, inspected and reassembled his "SHIT" (Sees and Hears Imminent Trouble) device. The company-issued "SHIT" device was an important part

The mighty beast would be reduced to a small rubbery green ball.

of his equipment. It could sense the approach of an aborigine in time for a picket to kill the aborigine before the aborigine could attack with its flame.

The aborigines were nasty beasts. They lived in concealed caverns during light and came out during dark to try to rid their land of the aliens. They appeared ferocious and they were. They were big, strong and fast. And they could breathe fire, a white [quoteright]flame that could slice through flesh as if it were not there. They had forever dominated the land until the aliens came.

The aliens were small, weak and clumsy, but they had implements such as the "RIGHT" (Revised and Improved Guard and Hider Tarp), which made the extermination of the aborigines very easy. When a picket was under his "RIGHT," an aborigine's flame couldn't hurt him even if it could see him, which it couldn't. These implements and superior intelligence were bringing about rapid destruction of the aborigines. As soon as the aborigines were cleared from an area, company collectors went in and gathered their unguarded treasures.

Yor left the kiosk just before dark, journeyed a short distance to a likely spot, settled under his "RIGHT," and waited. The aborigines were dumb beasts. In their effort to protect their land, they came out each night in search of aliens. All the company pickets had to do was wait under their "RIGHT" until their "SHIT" device told them one of the dumb beasts was approaching. Then they would energize their "LEFT" (Life-Ending Fusion Tool), throw off their "RIGHT," and blast them with their "LEFT." The mighty beast would be reduced to a small rubbery green ball. Then it would be easy to enter caves and collect their jewels. All they had to do was wait. The beasts came to them.

The "SHIT" device worked perfectly. Yor knew of the approaching aborigine as soon as it left its lair. It turned and headed in Yor's direction. Yor was excited. This would be his fourth little green ball. It was so easy. When the beast was in range, Yor threw off the "RIGHT" and reached to energize his "LEFT." It was too late. Failure to follow procedures cost Yor Regor his life. The delay while energizing his "LEFT" was all the time the beast needed. The searing hot breath of the beast sliced Yor in half just below the waist.

Moral -- even if one has one's shit together, if one's right doesn't know what one's left is doing, one will lose one's ass. 

Texan Earl Meazell is a scuba diver and marathon runner.  He was on the winning theam in the 1980 Annual Gather Treasure Hunt.

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Cooper's Blooper
Neal Wilgus

Issue #18 (February 1983)

There was a young fella named Alice
Who wrote a strange song about Dallas.
    His friends said, "Don't try it -
    It may cause a riot.
Have you given no forethought to malice?" 

Neal Wilgus, our man in New Mexico, is an expert on secret societies and author of a book, The Illuminoids.

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Earl Meazell