The Ecphorizer

The Uprising
Susan Packie

Issue #30 (February 1984)

Bureaucrats and humorists deserve one another.

The order was issued by the Director of Attitude Guidance, and was co-signed by the President, the High Priest, and the chairman of Megaindustries International. It was no laughing matter. It was probably one of the most serious proclamations issued since the banning of chewing gum.

All humor writers were henceforth and forevermore to be regarded as parasites, with all the loss of rights contingent upon such designation. It was illegal, or at least inadvisable, to talk, walk, eat, sleep, and most important of all, share jokes with them.

The reasons were clearly stated. Humor writers could not be tolerated because they made their living at the expense of others, lashing out with their sharp pens against those who could not retaliate, making a mockery of government, big business, organized religion, the working stiff, marriage, the family, Mom, and apple pie.

fhe immensity of the problem cannot be overestimated. Both the thoughts and actions of these wretches would have to be redirected into more productive channels. The supervisor general of All-Nation Motor Sales hit upon the solution. If these bums were so good at converting serious business into humor, why couldn't they be put to work retreading tires to get more mileage out of them?

It was obvious that this would change actions, but it could never change thoughts. After the tires had been fixed up, the humor writers would be laid out in an orderly line stretching from the East Coast to the West Coast, the President and his entourage would get behind the wheels of the cars with the just-new-tires, and the unregenerate slobs would all be mashed into the asphalt of Route 80.

Tension filled the air on the momentous day of the Final Solution. Engines roared to life. Feet hit gas pedals. Suddenly, the cars began to levitate en masse. The tires had been turned into hot-air balloons!

A line of laughing humorists pulled out their pens and commenced writing. 

We read in the news today that Singapore was banning chewing gum.  Thus does reality imitate Susan Packie's art.

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