The Ecphorizer

Issue #09 (May 1982)

My bones do creak

I'll drink no treat

My nose doth leak,"

I'll soak my feet

Both ears have squeaks.

I'll rub in ointments,

In bed two weeks!

Cancel all appointments,

I'll breathe in vapors

Do bring me soups.

Ignore newspapers.

Bring in the troops.

Oh, Linus Pauling, save me!

I'm doing my part

So when do you start?

Tee grass of C

Oh Linus Pauling, hear me.

I take in me,

Plus A & D

I remember the drops for each

And K & B.

blurred orb

I apply goose grease for my skin

At least one troop

to absorb

Should ease this croupe.

I rub in unguent on muscles sore

Dear Linus Pauling, save me!

"Egads!" I think "Is there

anything sore?"

Through eyes most bleary

Yes. Chew that tablet, ignore

I read the labels

the flavor

on medicine bottles

(There are other drugs to

scattered o'er my tables;

savor.)

"Take 8, four times,

Endure the fever, shake with the

with food, each day"

chills,

But those you take another way.

Keep on truckin' with those

doggone pills.

No milk or anything else with

these

Well, bring a chicken

No butter, bread, or cakes or

Lest more I sicken,

cheese

Create a broth

Just swallow them fast with

H₂0

With nothing wroth,

(Remembering to insert one

So that each sip

lozenge below).

That passes my lip

Can open the pipes

Yes, place that fowl within the

And soothe the gripes.

pot,

Boil it hard, serve it hot.

Now listen, Linus, do something

Sweet Linus Pauling, save me.

already

Upon my feet I'm quite unsteady!

I'll eat no meat from domestic

cattle

I'm drinking down syrups to

I'll forego lamb while my chest

soothe my chest

doth rattle

And seeking out Morpheus for a

I'll give up yoghurt and

well earned rest

imported cheeses

I'm supping on cereals

'Till my chest will stop its

And juices of fruit.

wheezes.

Frankly Linus, I'm thinking of

someone else to recruit!