The Ecphorizer

Pleasingly Plump
Bill Harvey

Issue #57 (May 1986)

Over the years, I've managed to avoid spending considerable money because of a very simple fact. This fact is not something that you might have learned from J. Paul Getty or Aristotle Onassis, though they undoubtedly knew hundreds of ways to avoid spending money. It's something that simply seemed to happen, and the very fact of its happening has helped me to save considerable money.

The Fact?

Get ready, here it comes. In some circles, I'm considered to be just a smidgen overweight. In some other circles, I'm considered to be down- right pudgy, but I prefer to ignore those other circles. My grandmother told me, while urging me to eat that second piece of pie, that I had big bones. She also told me that there were starving children in China. I believed her. With regard to pudginess, there seems to be a movement afoot (at least, according to what I've read lately), that uses as its motto "Fat is Beautiful." If those people ever come to me for anything, they can be assured of my complete support. Maybe this fat thing is a backlash from the physical fitness fad in which we've been embroiled for the past couple of years.

Anyway, I feel that the time for it is NOW! For far too long have the members of the Corpulent Corps been the target of giggles and whispers behind raised hands. Fat IS beautiful. Look at the paintings of the Old Masters, the ones with the cherubs flying about, and nude ladies lying in pastoral scenes. Have you ever seen one of those ladies who didn't carry a little excess tonnage? You bet your Sego you haven't! No Twiggies there!

Those men knew what they liked, and painted accordingly. You can join today! Have a couple of banana splits, and wash it all down with a few milk shakes! If you have some reservations about joining, just remember that the only one who likes a bone is a dog, and he buries it!
I got a little carried away there. Back to how to save with cellulite.

It seems that I, being a member of that group that's slightly over-inflated, am always just about to start, presently on, or just coming off of a diet. The reason for all of this is, of course, a slimmer, trimmer me. I envision myself leaping to my feet whenever a lady enters the room, without enduring a major struggle to overcome the effects of gravity. I look forward eagerly to being able to rise from a beanbag chair without going through major contortions. Being able to stand inside a phone booth when it's raining would be nice, too. I even envision having the tires on my car wear evenly, rather than wearing out on my side first.

A simple diet, however, is not enough. You must exercise as well. I usually decide to start walking. Oh, nothing dramatic at first, maybe just around the living room, but STAY AWAY from the kitchen! That should help to shed a few pounds.

After I've toughened up to the point where I feel that it's safe to venture outside, I'm sure, at some point of my walk, to pass a clothing store. This is where the saving comes in.

I stop. I look.

The operational phrase here is 'look". I don't buy. If I were skinny, I'd buy, but I'm not skinny, so I don't buy. How can I buy clothes when I'm on the verge of losing all that weight? Why any clothes that I buy now will hang on me like sacks in just a few weeks, ages before they're worn out. For just a moment or two, the thought crosses my mind that if I buy now, in a few weeks I'll be able to have the clothes cut down to fit, and have enough fabric left over to sew a second set of clothes, but NO! This time I REALLY MEAN IT! This time, I'm really going to lose weight.

Of course, as a direct result of postponing the purchase of clothing, I usually look like a candidate for the Goodwill hit list, but that's okay; Soon, I'll be skinny, and then, look out clothing stores!

Anyhow, it's nice to think about. 

Satirist and social commentator BILL HARVEY, on the other hand, has been after us for royalties for years. Look, we bother to type your stuff, Bill — you should pay us.

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