Persistent rumors that Native Americans really are Indians were proved true today with the discovery of a hole leading from southwest Texas straight through to northern India. Now the entire North American continent is being scanned for unexplained holes.
"That's right, señor. To reach the United States, you no longer have to swim the Rio Grande. Now you can fly to India and take the tunnel to Texas. The trip is much more leisurely, and there are no immigration officials waiting at the other end."
"Yes, but then what? How will I disguise myself?"
"Do you speak fluent English?"
"Of course! I have a degree from the University of California!"
"Well, forget it. You see, most of them don't. If you want to pass for a real American, you'll have to memorize a dictionary of slang and slur all your words. Like, man, you dig? Play it cool, stay low, don't let on like you know anything, and keep eating at those taco stands. Everyone knows true Mexicans don't go near the places. Also, we'll find you a job."
"No, silly. That's what they'd expect. We'll get you a slot in an electronics firm. Nobody expects us to be able to do anything technical, anything requiring brains. Then you can help recruit new workers. Our people, naturally. Do you have any questions?"
"How come all the Indians haven't already come through the tunnel?"
"You think they haven't? India isn't solving its population explosion problem with the Pill. It's passing its extras along to the U.S. Smart, huh? They don't speak Spanish, so no one mistakes them for wetbacks. With that skin, they make perfect Native Americans."
"What is a Native American?"
"Do you want to back up a little?"
"If I do, I'll fall into the river. Just hightail it to India. Our hombre there will repeat the instructions."
No other holes were found, and even the one in southwest Texas proved to be a false lead. An electronics firm employee at the scene just informed us that it was only a mole hole.
Susan Packie teaches anthropology at Malcolm-King College, which is located in America's premier anthroplogical site, New York City. She has had her work published in more than 80 magazines.
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