|A Stitch in the Bush|
Issue #51 (November 1985)
Ann's family was with us over Thanksgiving and, as usual, we all had a great time. I'm aware that there is such a thing as a mother-in-law joke, but none of the ones I've heard could possible apply to Ann's mother. When I got Ann, I also got a marvelous set of in-laws.
At some point, someone said something like "A watched pot never boils."
This struck me as not being exactly the case at our house. As a matter of fact, I began to think about old proverbs and decided that it's time that these things were updated. Actually, the only time a pot boils around our house is if we're having pasta. A far more appropriate proverb would be "A watched microwave never beeps."
How about "A stitch in time saves nine?" As far as my own seamster abilities go, the proverb should be "A stitch in time is not as good as Magic Glue." Or, for that matter, staples.
Then, there's the ever-popular "There's more than one fish in the sea." We took a walk along the beach during the holiday weekend, and that one should obviously be "There's more than one beer can in the sea."
Because this column is being written on a word processor, I can't possible pass up the computer age. How about "You can't judge a floppy disk by its cover?"
There are absolutely reams of material for this endeavor. Think of nearly any proverb, and it can be updated. How about "A penny saved is extra weight in your pocket?"
Or, "A bird in the hand is sure to upset a conservationist?"
How about "Neither a mooch nor a patsy be?"
Far be it from me to slight our medical profession. How about "An apple a day can be very expensive?"
Around here, anyway, it should be "If still water runs deep, it's not the rainy season."
I remember one that I haven't heard for a long time. It went "Beauty is as beauty does." That was to remind pretty women that it wasn't enough to be pretty, but that they had to act pretty as well. Today, I believe that one should be "Beauty is as Max Factor does."
In view of our current financial situation in this country, and the crass commercialism that runs rampant, a couple of others are "If the shoe fits, you paid retail" and "You get what you pay for, unless it's mail order."
How about "Early to bed and early to rise makes your neighbors suspicious?"
With regard to pretty ladies again, how about "Beauty's only skin deep, unless you know a good plastic surgeon?"
You get the idea. There is one proverb that I've gone over and over, and I still can't think of a way to update it. It was always good advice, and it still is. "Don't put all of your eggs in one basket." I suppose that I could go back to computers and say "Don't put all of your data on one floppy," but that just doesn't seem right to me. "Don't put all of your cars in one garage?" Nope. Most of the families that I know have a two car garage and three cars. What the heck, somebody out there must have an answer. If you do, sent it to me, will you?
This one is driving me nuts.
BILL HARVEY used to submit his material to us with increasingly exorbitant demands for payment. One dollar, five dollars -- who knows where it would have ended? He is now satisfied with mere fame.