|Why Cucumbers Are Better Than Men (Part II)|
Issue #25 (September 1983)
It's easy to find a good cucumber.
You can look over the selection of cucumbers without worrying about eye contact.
You can fondle a cucumber in public. You can tell how firm it is before it goes home with you.
Cucumbers don't leave sweatsox in your lingerie.
A cucumber doesn't buy you a present for Valentine's Day and charge it to your account.
A cucumber doesn't use the last of the ice cubes and leave the empty tray in the freezer.
A cucumber doesn't explain your relationship by saying you're "just friends."
A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin.
A cucumber won't tell his pals you're a virgin.
A cucumber won't tell his pals you're not a virgin.
A cucumber doesn't ask how good it was.
A cucumber doesn't ask if he was the best.
A cucumber will wait until you get home.
A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
A cucumber doesn't nudge you onto the wet spot in the middle of the night.
With a cucumber, you don't have to check in as "Mrs. Cucumber."
A cucumber can't count to ten.
A cucumber doesn't get more interested in centerfolds than you.
A cucumber won't go off to find himself.
Cucumbers don't have midlife crises.
Cucumbers don't leave you to go back to exwives, exgirlfriends, or exboyfriends.
A cucumber doesn't date you just so he can get closer to your sister, or brother.
A cucumber will settle down in a relationship only when you do.
A cucumber doesn't care if you forget to shave your legs, are showing your roots, or have a zit on your chin.