The Ecphorizer

A Contract Proposal to the Government

Issue #24 (August 1983)

General Expertise.
A detailed description of the many Government Research and Development programs that we have bungled is beyond the scope of this proposal (see Board of Inquiry Reports 789-A through 811-K in the Congressional Record) However, we feel that these miserable failures will assist materially in our performance of the project herein proposed, as it may be possible for us to foresee a number of our past mistakes. We would also like to point out our utter lack of experience in the relevant technology, which will allow us to approach this project without preconceptions.

Managerial Organization. In preparing this proposal we considered the use of high-speed cameras to capture the dynamics of our evolving management, but feel this would not be sufficient. Therefore we request that the Purchasing Agency specify the exact instant in time for which our Organization Chart is required. We suggest a time between 0200 and 0500 on a Sunday morning, when the pace of reorganization in our company is minimal.

Technical Approach. If awarded this contract, we plan to hire all the engineers needed from our competitors; therefore our technical approach can be found in their Proposals. A complete summary of the state-of-the-art techniques to be used is contained in the current issue of Mechanix Illustrated.

Scheduling. To make our schedule look realistic our Art Department has printed it in seven colors, using stereoscopic plexiglass overlays. In brief, we plan to spend the first 12-18 months sending company officers to various academic conferences in Europe and the Caribbean, in an attempt to discover what this project is all about. After this initial phase, we will submit a revised schedule for further work. The Estimated Completion Date, referenced in footnote 9 on page 37, is subject to extension if we receive a more profitable contract in the interim.

Cost Factors.

Engineering: A minor item. We have found that engineers make changes, which reduce our profits.

Facilities: A major cost component. We view this contract as an excellent opportunity to improve our plant.

Testing: No cost has been estimated, as we do not plan to test the equipment. In the past, test programs have revealed faults and caused cancellation of contracts years before the mistakes would have been discovered in the field.

Entertainment: We have added this important item, which was inadvertently omitted from the Government's request for proposal.

Subcontracts: It is a firm policy never to let a dollar get out of our hands.

Contract Provisions. After contract award, we will hire a team of lawyers and consultants to examine the boiler-plate for loopholes, careless language, and tax dodges. No expense will be spared to maximize our profit and minimize the amount of work actually done in performing the contract.

Additional Facilities Required. We believe that an important project like this should not be carried out in our shabby plant. We propose that the Government build a new facility to accommodate this contract. Appended is a list of properties, owned by Directors of our company, which they will be happy to sell to the Government for locating the new facility. 

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