The Ecphorizer

Real Programmers
Martha Johnson

Issue #21 (May 1983)

Real Programmers don't write specs - users should consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all, and take what they get.

Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

Real Programmers don't write application programs -- they program right down to the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs who can't do system programming.

Real Programmers don't write COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy application programmers.

Real Programmers' programs never run right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.

Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.

Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If they are around at 9 am, it's because they were up all night.

Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC after age twelve.

Real Programmers don't do documentation. Documentation is for simps who can't figure out the listing.

Real Programmers don't write in Pascal, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong variable types are for people with weak memories.

Real Programmers don't play tennis or any other sport that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and Real Programmers wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the computer room.

-- Captured on the Xerox circuitĀ 

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Martha Johnson