|Why Cucumbers Are Better Than Men|
|contributed by Elna Tymes|
Issue #09 (May 1982)
The average cucumber is at least six inches long.
Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety.
Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
You can fondle a cucumber in a supermarket - and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
A cucumber won't ask, "Am I the first?"
Cucumbers don't care if you are a virgin.
Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.
Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're not a virgin anymore.
With cucumbers you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
Cucumbers don't have sex hangups.
You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.
You only eat cucumber when you feel like it.
Cucumbers never need a round of applause.
Cucumbers won't ask: "Am I the best?" "How was it?" "Did you come? How many times?"
A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over.
No matter how old you are, you can always get another cucumber.
A cucumber will never give you a hickey.
Cucumbers can stay up all night - and you won't have to sleep on the wet spot.
Cucumbers won't leave you wondering for a month.
Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
Cucumbers don't compare you to a centerfold.
Cucumbers don't tell you they liked you better with long hair.
A cucumber will never leave you for: another woman; another man; another cucumber.
You always know where your cucumber has been.
Cucumbers don't have mid-life crises.
Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.
It's easy to drop a cucumber.
No matter how you slice it, you can have your cucumber and eat it too!
Captured on the Xerox circuit by Elna Tymes