The Ecphorizer

Beau Jestes of Middle Earth
Albert Duro

Issue #08 (April 1982)

In-group humor for aficionados of Tolkein's The Lord of the Rings

Q. Why did the hobbit farmer cross the road?
A. To get to the other scythe.

Q. How did Tolkein get away with publishing a pretentious, overblown story about a magical ring of power forged by supernatural beings, the lust for which caused great troubles in the world, and the destruction of which marked the end of the era of supernatural beings?
A. Because Wagner didn't think enough of it to get it copyrighted.

Q. Just HOW short were hobbits?
A. They were SO short, they had to step up on stools to scratch their heads.

Q. How do you stop an oliphaunt from charging?
A. You take away its crodit caurd.

Q. How many Numenoreans does it take to change a Palantir stone?
A. Three. One to appoint himself steward and keep an eye on things. One to fetch and return an unnecessary ladder. One to wander in the wilderness for 1,000 years before remembering that he'd just forgot to turn on the damn thing.

Q. What's red, goes 200 mph, and has hairy tires?
A. A Hobbiton-Ferrari.

Q. Why did Aragorn break the chain letter from Galadriel?
A. Because he had his own chain mail.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Moria Tunnel.
Moria Tunnel who?
Moria Tunnel, the deeper you go.

Q. Why did Saruman refuse to show himself in public?
A. Because he had Ring-around-the-collar.

Q. How did Aragorn get to become king of Gondor?
A. Because Prince Valiant already had a job on the Sunday paper.

Q. Why did Saruman resort to looting the Shire?
A. Because he was on the shorts.

Tolkein loved trees and often talked to then, as he did one day when he came to a pine forest. "I have good news," he said, "My book, which greatly raises people's consciousness about trees, is going into its 20th printing. The bad news is that this whole forest will have to be turned into paper."

Q. Why did all the dwarves suddenly abandon Moria?
A. Because Snow White got pregnant.

O, but those Nazguls are such a jolly bunch
Babies they would eat at each and every lunch;
O, but lately they have such an anorexia
They'd as soon not eat, if they can hex ya.

Q. How many hobbits can dance on the head of a pin?
A. All of them. 

He's an encyclopedist and writer who lives in Brisbane, CA, practices yoga, and serves on the Committee to Save San Bruno Mountain.

More Articles by Albert Duro

Contributor Profile

Albert Duro

For the past 11 years Albert Duro has been managing the computer network of a small municipality in the San Francisco Bay Area. Before that, he's done just about everything: programmer; janitor; library page; political operative; ranch hand; newspaper reporter/editor; busboy; salesclerk; assembly line worker, etc...