The Ecphorizer

Man Bites TV
Neal Wilgus

Issue 09 (April 2007)

Another news flash from the LEAK news service...

Video Valley, VT (LEAK) - In an unusual twist on an incident that has become all too common, a Video Valley man saved himself from injury and possible death today by biting his TV set back when it assaulted him. Irving Enigman, 44, an unemployed smezmetician, was treated and released at Gargoyle General

'It's getting so that you can't even trust sets that have been in the family for generations and are treated almost as equals...'

Hospital after suffering an unprovoked attack while walking past his TV - called "Spike" by Enigman's family and friends. Enigman suffered electrical burns and deep cuts on his left hand and arm and was also treated for a cut lip and two broken teeth.

"Spontaneous Video Absorption, or SVA, has become a real health hazard," said Dr. Dan Druff, spokesman for Gargoyle General. "We are seeing numerous cases of television sets, computer consoles, and video games turning on their operators - seizing them and attempting to absorb them into the set, causing thousands of deaths across the nation each year, not to mention the many cases of injury and amputation that also take place. It's getting so that you can't even trust sets that have been in the family for generations and are treated almost as equals, as was 'Spike' in the Enigman family."

The situation has reached such an extreme, in fact, that a newly formed group called the Video Vigilantes has openly advocated forming lynch mobs to deal with wayward TV sets. Proclaiming the slogan, "Set them free," the Vigilantes are spreading like wildfire and are selling tools and weapons for viewers to protect themselves with, as well as a handbook called THE VIDEOIDS: WARMED AND DANGEROUS. "These things are vicious and deadly," Vigilante President Virgil Antte has warned, "and owners must be on the alert for attack at any and all times."

Not so, says Dr. Sara Pewdic, founder of the Video Humane Society and a champion of a gentler, kinder approach to dealing with potentially dangerous sets. "If you treat your TV set as you would be treated," Dr. Pewdic advises, "you'll probably never have any trouble with it - and even if it does snap at you from time to time a soothing word is usually all that is needed to keep the situation under control. Or you may wish to do what I do, which is to leave a little snack or a glass of warm milk by the set at night so that its appetite is satisfied and its ego reassured. A little understanding will work wonders."

Enigman, however, is reported to be considering-having "Spike" put to sleep.

Neal's been a frequent contributor to the original print version of the Ecphorizer and now he has graciously offered to let us reprint some of his original poems and stories.  These three stories of "newsalizing the nation" first appeared in The Leakoids: Newsalizing the Nation, © 2006 Neal Wilgus, published by Juxtopedia Press in Corrales, New Mexico. For information regarding "newsalizing," please click here.

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