The Ecphorizer

Why Cucumbers Are Better Than Men (Part II)
Elna Tymes

Issue #25 (September 1983)

It's easy to find a good cucumber.

You can look over the selection of cucumbers without worrying about eye contact.

You can fondle a cucumber in public. You can tell how firm it is before it goes home with you.

Cucumbers don't leave sweatsox in your lingerie.

A cucumber doesn't buy you a present for Valentine's Day and charge it to your account.

A cucumber doesn't use the last of the ice cubes and leave the empty tray in the freezer.

A cucumber doesn't explain your relationship by saying you're "just friends."

A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin.

A cucumber won't tell his pals you're a virgin.

A cucumber won't tell his pals you're not a virgin.

A cucumber doesn't ask how good it was.

A cucumber doesn't ask if he was the best.

A cucumber will wait until you get home.

A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.

A cucumber doesn't nudge you onto the wet spot in the middle of the night.

With a cucumber, you don't have to check in as "Mrs. Cucumber."

A cucumber can't count to ten.

A cucumber doesn't get more interested in centerfolds than you.

A cucumber won't go off to find himself.

Cucumbers don't have midlife crises.

Cucumbers don't leave you to go back to exwives, exgirlfriends, or exboyfriends.

A cucumber doesn't date you just so he can get closer to your sister, or brother.

A cucumber will settle down in a relationship only when you do.

A cucumber doesn't care if you forget to shave your legs, are showing your roots, or have a zit on your chin. 

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