The Ecphorizer

House Rules
Belletrina of Hanes

Issue #06 (February 1982)

Advice on dealing with those pesky infestations of houseguests

[quoteright](Ed. Note: The following is a condensation of a set of rules posted in a house in San Francisco.)

Refill water pitcher in refrigerator when t is empty or close to it.

Pet dinosaurs

All ducks shall be plucked, but ratatouille substitute is okay.

must be housebroken.

Domestic nonsense and business insanity are to be mixed only on the sixth Thursday of alternating months except for June when the 31st falls on a Monday, in which case call in sick and remove the possibility of mixing the forbidden combination.

Overnight visitors are in the same category as pet dinosaurs - they must be housebroken.

Guest bath elephant toy may be used in either bath or shower, but please remember to dry it thoroughly. Chapped pachyderm lotion doesn't grow trees.

If you use up the last of the garlic or dill, please leave a note so it can be replaced under non-emergency conditions. The housekeeping staff gets violent if they are counting on either for the 4 a.m. fix and find none.

Under no circumstances are mushrooms to be brought into the house, under penalty of immediate expulsion. This dwelling shall continue to be a fungal virgin.

Lipton tea tags are to be used only for reducing eye puffiness; under no circumstances are they to be considered suitable for drinking tea or served as such.

All ducks shall be plucked, but ratatouille substitute is okay.

Collect phone calls from Mars are not to be accepted; however, all calls that reference peanut butter shall be transferred immediately to the concierge. A caller referencing peanut bitter is not making an obscene phone call, merely a welcome and suggestive one.

Leftover nectarine strudel and pear strudel shall not be pickled, but after sampling kiwi or other experimental strudels a gustatory evaluation may be required.

Marshmallows shall be roasted over the hibachi, never in the fireplace. Chestnuts are open to discussion.

Refrigerator magnets should not be left to multiply.

There shall be no complaining if the twelfth oyster doesn't work.

Management reserves the right to amend these silly rules. 

Belletrina of Hanes is, not surprisingly, a pseudonym. She describes herself as part Russophile, part pantyhose deist who once had a dog named Fetish.

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