Chemic, AL (LEAK) - The world was amazed to learn today that the energy crisis and the Middle East dilemma have both been taken care of very neatly by a new industrial process which can convert blood into oil on a massive scale. Dr. Isaac Hermes of the Trismegistus Corporation (TC) told LEAK News Service that the new TC Smezmetic Resonance Capacitor facility near here will produce over a hundred trillion barrels of oil a day when it reaches full production next month." The SRC facility itself has been ready to go for some time," Dr. Hermes said, "but we've had one devil of a time getting an adequate blood supply lined up."
Blood from cattle and other livestock, Hennes explained, is useful for making plastics and road surfacing material, but due to smezmetic frequency differentials such raw material could not be converted to oil and gasoline. "Cats, dogs and the lower primate have blood that will convert to oil," Hennes went on, "but it is low grade stuff that would pollute the environment and just smell awful. Only human blood, itseems is smezmetically right for the job and it refines quickly and efficiently into the finest grades of petroleum, with remarkably little cost or environmental impact."
A massive blood drive in the nation's prisons, ghettos and homeless havens last year brought forth only a trickle, a mere three percent of the amount needed to make the SRC works profitable. Third world nations were expected to contribute most of the rest of the blood required, but even this fell short and only 77 percent of the target amount was secured. Projections made by the Department of Health and Energy showed that even with an intensive drive to obtain blood from the middle classes of Europe, North America and Japan, only 92 percent of the goal would be achieved.
"What puts us over the top," Hermes said, "are these new wars which have broken out in Brazil, South Africa and Pakistan, providing more than enough blood to fuel the industrial machine and the transportation behemoth for the foreseeable future. Not only is a massive new supply available from the corpses of those killed in the wars, but we are also seeing an unprecedented willingness to give blood all over the world, half of which is going to the wounded on the battlefield and the rest to a special TC project to supply fuel for the military on both sides. If we're lucky, these conflicts will go on for years and when they're over two, three, many more may flare up as needed."
A spokesman for the Zozimus administration denied that any of the wars were deliberately provoked or encouraged but went on to echo Dr.Hermes' feeling that we are fortunate to have the blood supply available at a time of great need. In his upcoming State of the Art speech to the nation, President Zozimus is expected to point out that the blood-for-oil industry is really a very sophisticated form of recycling, which is the cornerstone of the country's energy policy. As usual, a few loud-mouthed protesters staged a demonstration across the street from the White House and before the Trismegistus corporate headquarters in New York, but they were quickly disposed of by large angry mobs which felt their own blood supplies being threatened.
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