The Ecphorizer

The Mismeasure of Mensa 3
Lottie Fish-Bate

Issue #31 (March 1984)



(In the December issue, time-traveler Lottie Fish-Bate described the sterilization of all organic material in World War III. Scientists in Antarctica, mostly Mensa members, were the only survivors able to produce offspring. The January episode recounted World War IV's nuclear devastation in Argentina and the subsequent demise of overt Naziism. Mensa's earlier conquest of the evil S.S. on Sesame Street was revealed in a flashback about the secret history of World War II. In this installment, Lottie will establish that Mensa has always been a religion. You had to have been there ...Ed)

[quoteright'/>The name Sesame Street confirms the thoroughly diabolical evil of Naziism. The cannibalistic feasts of the Thule (an Hawaiian lisped anagram for "Mensa") Society were celebrated on Sesame Strasse under the influence of hashish and other drugs. "Sensamilla Street" would have been abhorrent to the Nazis as too latinate in sound, but in German the alliterative combination sounds all the more like an hysterical Italian, or better, like a parody of Count Dracula. The transliteration was thus shortened to "Sesamestrasse." Anglicized, it came out as the innocuous sounding Sesame Street, but this first word is yet the name of a "seed," rhyming with "weed," itself a slang term for marijuana. Thus we were able to puzzle out the hidden meanings of these things.

Using the cover of S.S. (as if secretly representing "elite guard," the German Schutzstaffel), these Manichaean worshippers of the Wagnerian gods carried on their quest for the Holy Grail. They conquered France to retrieve the Grail from where it had been hidden when the last Albigensee redoubt at Montsegur fell in 1244. Carried to Antarctica before World War II ended, then to the Falklands, the Nazis eventually ground it up in the wine with which they swallowed their cyanide pellets when they committed mass-suicide in Paraguay in 2033 (thus concluding the "Hundred-Year Reich"). These last hold-outs were mostly in their nineties, children born in Germany before 1945. In spite of their crimes, the invading Mensan liberators of South America were willing to let them disappear naturally, but these immensans could not tolerate life without the power to do evil. Until its recent revival, it was thought that Immensanism died with them.

The preliminary background covered, we can now face the great issue of our time: Is Mensa the one true religion, or is it an invention of our forefathers, devised by them to control our destiny following World War IV? Only the radical critics profess to deny the existence of Mensa in the Prior World. The original book of books, the History of Mensans is still extant in its original type-written manuscript form, printed on paper of a quality which only our most recent technological advances have permitted us to produce again.

Upon analysis, this ancient paper has shown the presence of coal dust, automobile exhaust fumes, and splotches of sulfuric acid. This last discovery can only be explained by the "acid rain," the horror of which we have finally been able to document. An earlier generation of skeptics had sneered about "acid rain," denouncing it as a mythical scare story concocted by our forefathers. Such tales, the skeptics sneered, were merely a means to keep youth in political subjection by excusing the social ills of our society as trivial compared to the misrule men had suffered in the Prior World.

This confirmation of the authenticity of the History of Mensans has confuted the skeptics. It has also outraged the Mensan Fundamentalists, who still insist that the true name of our Holy Book is the Mensa Bible. They further insist that our surviving typed pages may be Prior World, but are still a mere copy of an original which has either been lost or has never left New York, its place of composition. If this is so, then there would have never been a finished copy in a form designed for mass distribution, and this would seem to defeat the purpose of a work of this character. The Mensa fundamentalists have argued in response that in the early years the Mensa Bible did not need to circulate because everyone already knew the facts (being Mensans), for were not the Mensan baptism rites, for example, never written down?

Mention of baptism leads us right to the play on words which has been used to expose the supposed scandal concerning the origin of our religion. Every one of us, even the apostates who have become Immensans, have gone through the baptism in the Mensan Baths, and have basked in the Incense Sauna behind the Mensa Gate, wrapped in the chorus robes as we did so. Yet, though they concede that Mensa was a genuine Prior World word for a real group, Immensans say that it was then not at all religious! They claim that Sir Cyrl Burt deliberately picked "Mensa" as the name for his god as a play on the word "men," thus actually denying the existence of any supernatural being! The term "Baptism," they claim, was lifted from the initiation rites of the religion of Christianity, the dominant faith at that time, but the ritual was repeated daily as in devout Jewish practice among the Hasidics. (Immensans are always claiming that there was a Jewish influence in Mensa disproportionate to their numbers). They jeer about how ridiculous it is that our female-run society worships a god named for men generically, and devised by men, and not by women! They view worship of Mensa as just play-acting at religion, and our sacred baptism rituals as merely a revival of the twentieth-century practice of group bathing, followed by sweating, to lose weight.

More to come, in the futureĀ  stay tuned.

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Lottie Fish-Bate




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