The Ecphorizer

Wordplay

Issue #27 (November 1983)



The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers." Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant during the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a "Proxy Father" - a government employee who attempts to solve the woman's problem by getting her pregnant.

The Jones', a young married couple, have no children and the government man is due to arrive today. Mr. Jones, on leaving, says "I'm off, the government man should be here soon." Instead, however, a door-to-door salesman comes to the Jones' trying to sell baby pictures. The conversation went as follows:

Ms. Jones:

Good Morning.

Salesman:

Good morning, you don't know me but I've come to...

Ms. Jones:

Oh, you don't have to explain. My husband told me you were coming.

Salesman:

Oh? – well good. I've made a speciality of babies, especially twins.

Ms. Jones:

My husband didn't tell me about that but come on in.

Salesman:

Then your husband probably told you that ...

Ms. Jones:

Oh yes, we both agree this is the best thing to do.

Salesman:

Well, in that case, perhaps we should get right on with it.

Ms. Jones:

(blushing) Well – just where do we start?

Salesman:

Just leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple in bed. Sometimes the living room floor works well.

Ms. Jones:

Bathtub – living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me.

Salesman:

Well, lady, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try six or seven times one of 'em is bound to be a honey.

Ms. Jones:

Well, have you had much success at this?

Salesman:

(opening his briefcase and showing baby pictures) Just look at these babies. They're all jobs I've handled in the past. This one took four hours.

Ms. Jones:

Yes, that is a lovely child.

Salesman:

But if you want to hear about a really tough assignment, look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London.

Ms. Jones:

Oh, my god!!!

Salesman:

And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider that their mother was hard to work with.

Ms. Jones:

Oh, she was?

Salesman:

Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such difficult conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.

Ms. Jones:

Four or five deep?

Salesman:

Yes, and for more than three hours, too. But I finally got a couple of buddies to keep them back. I could've shot again before dark, but by that time the squirrels were beginning to nibble on my equipment and I had to give up.

Ms. Jones:

You mean they actually chewed on your, ah – equipment ...?

Salesman:

Yes, but it's all in a days work. I consider my work a pleasure.

Ms. Jones:

I just can't believe it.

Salesman:

Well, Madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.

Ms. Jones:

Your tripod?????

Salesman:

Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy for me to hold in my hand while I'm trying to use it.

Salesman:

Ms. Jones Mrs. Jones Ms. Jones Goodness, she fainted! (And the salesman never did know why.)


Contributor Profile




close
Title:
Link:
Summary:
We have collected the essential data you need to easily include this page on your blog. Just click and copy!close
E-mail Print Blog
Return to Table of Contents for Issue #27