The Ecphorizer

Sluice Box
Elmo Bird

Issue #44 (April 1985)



THE GREAT white shark has no teeth of his own. When he goes out to dine he has to borrow a set from the neighbors. He is readily identified by this, and by the fact that he usually wears a leisure suit and white shoes.

OVER 50% of the population believes that the residents of Brooklyn, New York, are illiterate, have no fingernails, and eat worms.

Q. What is the most sparsely attended sporting event in the U.S.?
A. San Francisco Mensa's Annual Squat Tag Championship Playoffs.

THE MOST accident-free motorists' group in the world is the Association of One-Armed Ethiopian School Bus Drivers.

ONLY 5% of adult persons in the United States hold up their pants with suspenders. 50% use a belt, 10% rope, 10% haywire, and a rousing 25% use an icepick.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN was actually only four feet tall. He maintained his illusion of great height by standing on a peccary, or small pig, which he brought along in a suitcase.

MANY HISTORIANS are dropping the study of oral history to study the anal or Oedipal brand.

AT THE South Pole, a good cup of coffee will cost you $14.59.

MOST MUSLIMS believe that their requirement to face toward Mecca while praying is canceled when they have the opportunity to face the bum end of a kneeling school boy.

NOT ONE of Jesus's disciples knew how to ride a bicycle.

MOST IRANIANS believe that hypocrisy is inherited.

ALBANIA MAY be no bigger than Maryland, but it has 50% more cases of herpes Zoroaster.
COLOMBIAN BEES can't sting, but they can really kick hell out of you with their big, ugly feet.

HALF OF the houses built in the last 40 years have been converted to shooting galleries.

THOUSANDS OF teenagers suffer needlessly from terminal acne, which can be cured simply by shooting up with chunky peanut butter.

So there.

(Warren Fogard)


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