This Is Your Last Issue!
If you are one of the 150 charter subscribers, and if you didn't respond to our little ploy with the pink slips last month, this will be your last issue unless you cross our palms with silver. Rest assured that we'll also accept other negotiables of the land, especially if it comes in the form of a $5 bill or a personal check (or money order) for $5. You will note that this will extend your present charter subscription into THE ECPHORIZER's fourth year. Yes, we've been at it for three years now, and that should convince most skeptics that this wasn't just a flash-in-the pan project. Hey! We're legit!
To those who didn't get in on the action at the beginning three years ago, here's what happened last month. Our mailing label program is set up to print one of two messages on the label to alert subscribers that their subscription is almost up. One appears on the month before while the other appears on the last month of the subscription. As we fold, staple, and label the issues we look for the message that signifies that it is a last issue and we insert a pink slip that again warns that "this is your last issue" unless the subscriber coughs up another $5.
However, last month we inserted those pink reminders a month early as we value the continued patronage of our charter subscribers. Let me tell you that that idea certainly worked! Thank you all who were prompted early to extend your subscriptions, and especially to those whose confidence is high enough to extend your subscriptions two years.
But, the rest of you whose subscription is up with this issue will also be treated not only with the pink slip, but also with this reminder:
THIS IS YOUR LAST ISSUE!
Incidentally, that $5 price hasn't changed since our charter rate three years ago. For the money, we think you get one heck of an interesting monthly magazine. And, by the way, if you don't like some of the things we print, or you think THE ECPHORIZER can be improved, you, too, can contribute. We're looking for short stories, articles, poems, drawings, cover art, personal anecdotes, and humor. Simply submit your stuff to the Editor, whose address is listed on the back cover.
The Business Office Gets Letters
To the Business Manager:
You bet your sweet bippy we're going to renew our subscription to THE ECPHORIZER! It is the only truly literate publication in the Kingdom. Don't yank us off your rolls or we'll double over in a mutual guilion caused by - I'm afeared to say - despairingly inserting a prong into our gullets after having a few bellywegins with our bevers followed by cups of tepid grunsops.
Not to grutch over a simple guillion or tepid grunsops are we! So, here's a ten fold; sign us up for two years. We're no flarts no matter what the content of our clashmadang.
Maureen and Warren Fogard
Clearlake Park, CA
To the Business Manager:
After months of enjoyably haranguing John Cumming because I wasn't receiving my copy of THE ECPHORIZER, John came up with the novel notion that it might be because I hadn't sent in the $5 subscription fee.
I distinctly remember writing out the check and putting it into the mail. However, I have better than a perfect memory. (A perfect memory enables its owner to remember everything that has occurred. A better than perfect memory, like my supermemory, is so good it enables its owner to remember things that never occurred!)
The thought of digging through all of my old checks to find the one I sent in January is appalling. It seems much nicer, more suave, more gallant, to apologize for an oversight (which, of course I couldn't possibly have actually made) and send you another (!) check, and ask that my name be restored to the subscription list.
Enclosed please find check. Please.
Marshall D. Norris
[OK, Marsh, you win. It was a nice letter but you still forgot to sign your check. I'm sending it back with the hopes that you will do so and return it to us. -Tod]