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The Ecphorizer
New Corporate Travel Rules Tod Wicks
Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies have been established regarding employees traveling on official business.

 TRANSPORTATION Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is the preferred choice. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company business trips. Bus transportation will be used whenever hitchhiking is not possible. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in case of extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting is scheduled in Toronto, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit or Bayonne, then the meeting will be relocated.
  LODGING All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives, friends, or mere acquaintances while on company business. If weather permits, public areas such as parks, roadside rest stops, and parking lots should be used for temporary lodging sites. Bridges and tunnels may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.
  MEALS Expenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery chains often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can often be consumed in this manner. Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should seek establishments offering "all you can eat" salad bars. This will be especially cost effective to employees traveling together, as a single plate can be used to feed an entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on company trips. Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beefaroni can be conveniently consumed at your leisure, without the unnecessary bother of heating or other expensive preparation.
BUSINESS LUNCHES Entertaining customers is still encouraged but travelers are asked to limit themselves to "specials" at McDonald's or Burger King (i.e. two burgers for 99 cents with purchase of large fries and coke).

 HITCHHIKING HINTS: Follow the following when thumbing it:
  1. Wear a business suit rather than your scruffy lab clothes as it makes a better impression on drivers and they will be more apt to pick you up.
  2. The Facilities Department will provide you with a Magic Marker and a recycled cardboard box. Mark your destination and hold your sign high so passing motorists can read it easily.
  3. WARNING: Do no use the cardboard boxes that have previously been used in shopping malls and marked "Software Engineer: Will code for food." This program is now terminated and using these old boxes will only confuse the wary motorist.

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Tod Wicks
The hand-held calculator was the best thing to come along for our numerically-challenged editor.  Then he discovered Reverse Polish Notation used by Hewlett-Packard calculators and he was lost forever.
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